Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain. ~Author Unknown
For the first time in awhile I find myself lacking any thoughts or ideas worth writing. Incoherent thoughts, drifting through my day in a fog, feelings of numbness preceded by intense sorrow…these are all places that have been foreign to me for some time, until lately.
I’ve lacked focus to say the least. So I’m sitting here right now to literally attempt to write my way back to finding motivation to persevere. I’m not sure where all of this will go.
I’d say in the recent days I haven’t been exactly “training” but rather “riding my bike”. To those who don’t realize, there is a distinct difference. Training is relative to goals or a desired result. Riding your bike is just that, nothing more than simply riding your bike. Although last week brought about one of my highest mileage weeks for the season with three 100 mile plus rides, I was simply keeping the wheels spinning in the effort to strive for sanity. In fact, I’d say some of my rides might have actually fallen in the category of self-abusive (i.e. 125 miles on Sunday on my MTB amongst a sea of road bikes after riding 100 miles the day before toped with a cumulative sleep time of 5.5 hrs in a 72 hour period).
My goal of the 2009 World 24hr Solo Championships, which had previously resided in the forefront of my mind, has been replaced with feelings of loss and sorrow. The thought of even racing a bicycle seems so trivial these days.
When reflecting on Sundays ride, I came to the realization that at one point, when I was struggling to hang onto the front group up a climb and digging deep into the pain locker, I had for the first time in two weeks replaced this feeling of remorse by the feeling of physical pain. It may have only been for an instant, but that’s how I presume this whole healing process will transpire; small instances that will eventually become larger blocks of time. Perhaps healing has some similarities to training?
So where do I go from here? It is true; I have a mountain in front of me.
Over the past few weeks’ echoes of expressed sympathies from people radiate throughout my mind to the point where they just bounce around so much they simply begin to sound like noise. It may seem inconsiderate to those who so lovingly showed support, but it’s how I feel sometimes. There is only so many times you can hear, “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “do they know what happened yet?” or “My thoughts are with you and your family” before you don’t even process the meaning behind the words anymore.
However, there has been a certain set of words muttered from the mouths of many that I simply never can hear enough of. These words are, “your brother was so proud of you, he talked about your accomplishments all the time”. I was always so proud to make my brother proud. There is something unexplainably so gratifying when a person whom you have looked up to your entire life tells you they are proud of you, it’s magic.
This thought alone is enough motivation for me to kick every pebble in my way and press onward over the enormous mountain that lay before me.
A verse my brother always found comfort in (especially when it came to sports): Philippians 3:14. “I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
Don once said that prior to his great friend John passing away, he had only cried 5 times in his life:
#1) the day I married Melinda!
#2) the day Evan was born!
#3) the day Connor was born!
#4) the day Nathan was born!
and #5) when Jimmy Chitwood hit the game winning shot in the movie Hoosiers!
So where can I find motivation now? What will be my fuel? What can I drive off of?
If you asked me the above questions a mere three weeks ago, my answer would have been mostly based on self-absorbed, narcissistic motives. I may of even thrown a little “life defining” lingo at you as well.
It’s all so much more than that now. One day, when I too leave this world behind, I want to be able to walk with my brother once again and have him tell me, “Damn it Timmy, you made me cry again! Your effort, your character, the heart that shined through in your performance, made me proud”.
Like wings of eagles…2009 24hr Solo World Championships…this effort is for you Don, I love you.
I have my focus back.
6 comments:
Tim I went out for my first outdoor ride of the season on Wednesday. I can honestly say that I am completely fired up about biking again. Your blog is a big motivator for me. What you do is not meaningless and trivial, you inspire a lot of people like myself. You're gonna win that freaking race! Look forward to hanging with you this weekend.
Although its been nearly 18 years since my father passed away, I can totally relate to your feeling of numbness right now. Right after he passed away, I thought I was doing ok, but it took several months for me to realize how much of a fog I was in. Hang in there, because the numbness will pass with time. I know this sounds like a platitude, but dealing with the loss of a close family member changes you forever. While I wish my dad was still here, without him I became a stronger person because I had to. I hope you can find the strength to persevere through your grief, and use the memory of your brother to motivate you to become a better person (and faster cyclist).
Thanks Doug! I look foward to hanging out with you too this morning...I can use the cameraderie right now.
Tim, you're an inspiration to all. I have no doubt that you will succeed at 24H Worlds this summer.
TMS is akways here.
The sorrow never ends, the memories will always be there. All we can do is remember those that are gone and know is that life lasts but a blink of an eye. Cherish the seconds of life as did the millions of dreamers before us and the million of dreamers yet to come. Maybe it's like training, it always hurts, you just learn to deal with it.
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