The mountain before me.

Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain. ~Author Unknown

For the first time in awhile I find myself lacking any thoughts or ideas worth writing. Incoherent thoughts, drifting through my day in a fog, feelings of numbness preceded by intense sorrow…these are all places that have been foreign to me for some time, until lately.

I’ve lacked focus to say the least. So I’m sitting here right now to literally attempt to write my way back to finding motivation to persevere. I’m not sure where all of this will go.

I’d say in the recent days I haven’t been exactly “training” but rather “riding my bike”. To those who don’t realize, there is a distinct difference. Training is relative to goals or a desired result. Riding your bike is just that, nothing more than simply riding your bike. Although last week brought about one of my highest mileage weeks for the season with three 100 mile plus rides, I was simply keeping the wheels spinning in the effort to strive for sanity. In fact, I’d say some of my rides might have actually fallen in the category of self-abusive (i.e. 125 miles on Sunday on my MTB amongst a sea of road bikes after riding 100 miles the day before toped with a cumulative sleep time of 5.5 hrs in a 72 hour period).

My goal of the 2009 World 24hr Solo Championships, which had previously resided in the forefront of my mind, has been replaced with feelings of loss and sorrow. The thought of even racing a bicycle seems so trivial these days.

When reflecting on Sundays ride, I came to the realization that at one point, when I was struggling to hang onto the front group up a climb and digging deep into the pain locker, I had for the first time in two weeks replaced this feeling of remorse by the feeling of physical pain. It may have only been for an instant, but that’s how I presume this whole healing process will transpire; small instances that will eventually become larger blocks of time. Perhaps healing has some similarities to training?

So where do I go from here? It is true; I have a mountain in front of me.

Over the past few weeks’ echoes of expressed sympathies from people radiate throughout my mind to the point where they just bounce around so much they simply begin to sound like noise. It may seem inconsiderate to those who so lovingly showed support, but it’s how I feel sometimes. There is only so many times you can hear, “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “do they know what happened yet?” or “My thoughts are with you and your family” before you don’t even process the meaning behind the words anymore.

However, there has been a certain set of words muttered from the mouths of many that I simply never can hear enough of. These words are, “your brother was so proud of you, he talked about your accomplishments all the time”. I was always so proud to make my brother proud. There is something unexplainably so gratifying when a person whom you have looked up to your entire life tells you they are proud of you, it’s magic.

This thought alone is enough motivation for me to kick every pebble in my way and press onward over the enormous mountain that lay before me.

A verse my brother always found comfort in (especially when it came to sports): Philippians 3:14. “I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

Don once said that prior to his great friend John passing away, he had only cried 5 times in his life:
#1) the day I married Melinda!
#2) the day Evan was born!
#3) the day Connor was born!
#4) the day Nathan was born!
and #5) when Jimmy Chitwood hit the game winning shot in the movie Hoosiers!


So where can I find motivation now? What will be my fuel? What can I drive off of?

If you asked me the above questions a mere three weeks ago, my answer would have been mostly based on self-absorbed, narcissistic motives. I may of even thrown a little “life defining” lingo at you as well.

It’s all so much more than that now. One day, when I too leave this world behind, I want to be able to walk with my brother once again and have him tell me, “Damn it Timmy, you made me cry again! Your effort, your character, the heart that shined through in your performance, made me proud”.

Like wings of eagles…2009 24hr Solo World Championships…this effort is for you Don, I love you.

I have my focus back.

Unsung Heroes

There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community.-M. SCOTT PECK

I just want to extend my gratitude to all those who have expressed their sympathies, came to the visitation, gave me an encouraging phone call or card, or helped contribute to my family.

There is nothing one can say or do to change our loss. However, there is something to be said about the strength that I am able to find when surrounded by such great support.

Thank you all.

The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place my touch will be felt.
-FREDERICK BUECHNER